5) What Side Is My Damn Gas Tank On?
You pull up into a gas station ready to throw down the rest of your savings account just so you can drive to the Taco Bell one town over (you tell yourself you're getting something off the new Cantina menu, but we all know you're grabbing something cheesy, beefy, and with Doritos/Fritos in it) when all of a sudden you realize that you can't remember (or never had a clue) what side your gas tank is on. You pull into an open slot and suddenly have to waste additional time by exiting the vehicle to take a look.
This scenario always plays out with your tank on the opposite side of your vehicle. You swear to yourself in front of a 3 year old dyslexic child (why dyslexia, I don't know), pull a 3 point turn to reverse the direction of yourself, some Masshole pulls into your spot, and of course your day is officially ruined. Well guess what? There's a way to avoid this hassle. There's actually a little arrow on most cars right next to the gas gauge that points in the direction of your car's gas tank. Yup, and you're realizing this now. You're welcome.
4) Arrow Symbolism
Speaking of stupid, little arrows: See that space between the "E" and "x" in the FedEx logo? Yup, that's an arrow. This is why I love advertising. Because you get to manipulate people without them even knowing it. Beautiful use of subliminal messaging so that you know your love-package for a long distance butt buddy is moving efficiently from destination A to destination B. And since we're on the topic of moving between letters, go check out the Amazon.com logo:
3) Easy Way to Remember "Pi"
Want to see some magic? Write "PI.E" on a piece of paper. Hold said piece of paper in mirror. Say abracadabra like a big dummy. Presto, the rounded transcendental number 3.14 appears. Too bad you got that question wrong on a test back in middle school when all you had to do was type "PIE" in your calculator. But you were too busy punching in "5318008", flipping it upside-down, and showing it to your nearby friends. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
2) Ketchup Cups: You're Doing it Wrong
This one right here makes me question everything I've ever known in life. An item that I've used so many times in my 23 years, 2 months, & 18 days of existence has never been used correctly. I'm talking about those dang ketchup cups. They're evil SOB's aren't they? Perfect for fry dippage, but inefficient for lazy hamburger soaking and those unique chicken nuggets with elephantiasis. Turns out we had a way to resolve this problem right in front of us:
If you pull on those little ridges, the cup's top expands and your friends instantly proclaim you the smartest man on the planet (unless you're eating by yourself... then you just pat yourself on the back and finish off your Quarter Pounder with a side of 20 McNuggs like the efficient machine that you are). Have you ever in your life seen any fat sack of grease do this? Is this a sick, selfish joke made by the inventor? Why did nobody tell us?!
1) Willy Wonka Girl Gets Bonked
How many times have you seen "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory"? Too many times to count. Classic film I know, but have you ever seen this little girl get rocked in the face by the creepy candy man while he's singing his little song about how awesome he is to the unsuspecting children?:
The broad gets socked. And she takes it like a champ by sucking it up just so she can fulfill her sugar addiction and not fall to the back of the candy line behind Jimmy and Sally. She didn't even get a golden ticket for the bulbous bruise materializing underneath her chin that could manipulate the future growth patterns of her face .... Alright, I'm taking it a step too far, but you get the picture.
TODAY'S TASTY TRACK
"When My Time Comes"
And now it seems like the unraveling has started too soon,
Now I'm sleeping in hallways and I'm drinking perfume
And I'm speaking to mirrors and I'm howling at moons
While the worst and the worst that it gets.