Let's Talk Twilight

I guess I should use some of this space to rant about the Twilight series since that new one is coming out soon. The sad thing is, this will be my most read post just because I put "Twilight" in the title ... so hello ladies.

I would love it if someone could successfully explain to me this "sexy vampire" phenomenon. I just can't get behind this portrayal. When I hear the word vampire, all I can think about is the Bela Lugosi-inspired Dracula yelling "I vant to suck you blud!" Not pale-faced, brain-dead young adults that act by doing less.

And werewolves have completely changed my thought process on the way girls think. I use to believe that werewolves were the epitome of everything a female usually doesn't want in a guy: Uncontrollably hairy, slobbering, unbelievably smelly, howls at inappropriate times, and is a complete furry asshole.

The true werewolf... Yummy.

But hey, whatever tickles your fancy I guess. All the films have gotten mediocre-to-terrible reviews so I've always remained a decent distance away. And I'm sure the novels are interesting... but I'd rather play solitaire on the crapper instead of using that time to read a few romantic-fantasy novels.

Gotta hold onto that Man Card, ya know?

If this new film gets decently reviewed, maybe I'll dip my toes into the waters of lake sexy-vampire. Even though I will always hold a grudge against the films for giving America a raging vamp-boner (ew). This onslaught of vampire films has put zombies and wizards to shame. There have been some hits but sadly there have been waaaay more misses. But to simplify this whole paragraph into one fine point: Please cancel Vampire Diaries. What a waste of a time slot.

So in conclusion, vampires and werewolves are here to stay until the final Twilight film gets squeezed through our already full mouths... Or until vikings become sexy.

...I give it a year.

TODAY'S TASTY TRACK

Frank Ocean
"Novacane"
Sink full of dishes pacin' in the kitchen, cocaine for breakfast, yikes
Bed full of women, flip on a tripod, little red light on shootin'
I'm feelin' like Stanley Kubrick, this is some visionary shit
Been tryna film pleasure with my eyes wide shut but it keeps on movin'